Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
