I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
