FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
