I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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