True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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