i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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