fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize