R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
