Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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