She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
