It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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