Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
