You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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