using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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