I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
