I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
