Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you traded sex for a burrito?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
