cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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