your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
