I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
