I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
