WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
