I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
