This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
