Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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