so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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