I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
