my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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