Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
