God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
