this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
His hands were made for my vagina.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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