Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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