The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
