dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
