and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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