He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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