So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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