If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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