I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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