I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
