You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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