it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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