i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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