Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
