Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
