On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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