i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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