I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize