I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize