don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
