So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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