The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
