Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
