Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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