I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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