I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
