please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
