i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
