happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
