im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
