I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
