I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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