when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize