you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
