Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
