I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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