if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize