I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
